


That's Enough For Now

by ShyAudacity



Series: Poor Jack Laurens [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Jefferson and Lafayette are only mentioned, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Sad John, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Alexander
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7364185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It doesn’t matter.” He mutters.</p>
<p>“I think it does, John. I’ve never seen you get mad at anybody, let alone yell at someone. This isn’t like you. You’ve been acting weird lately and it terrifies me. I know that you said that you didn’t want to talk about it, but-.”</p>
<p>“I want to die, Ham.”</p>
<p>The words make his heart skip a beat. “What?” </p>
<p>OR </p>
<p>John Laurens is incredibly sad and Alexander is just now finding out about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That's Enough For Now

When Alex walked into his apartment only to find it quiet, he knew that something wasn’t right. More often than not, he came home from work to find John singing along to the radio as he cooked or the TV playing in the background. Today, everything was silent. He had to investigate.

He finds his lover in bed, curled on his side a facing away from the door. It’s a sight that Alex isn’t accustomed to seeing. Instantly, he becomes aware of the fact that John is wearing the same clothes that he had slept in the night before. He tried not to worry, seeing as he doesn’t know the whole story yet.

“John? Babe, are you okay?” The closer he gets; the more Alex realizes that he is shaking. Trembling as if he were outside in January with no coat on. He comes around to the other side of the bed, and then notices that John has one arm covering his face. Alex pulls it away gently and immediately sees the tear tracks on his face. In the three years that he’s known him, and two and a half that they have been dating, he has never seen John cry before.

“John, baby what’s wrong?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” He mutters, hiding his face in his arm again.

“But, John-.”

“Alex, please.”

That’s when he knew that something was really wrong. He always addressed him as Hamilton or Ham. John never called him Alex unless they were in bed or if he had done something wrong and needed to make up for it. This wasn’t either one of those situations, and Alex didn’t know what to make of it. So, not knowing what else there was to do, he went along with it.

“Alright…I’ll go make some tea. I’ll be back in just a minute.” He told him, stroking his curly hair. Going into the kitchen, he tried to think of what could possibly be bothering his boyfriend. Other than the stresses of his new job at the hospital downtown, he couldn’t think of much else. For all he knew, his sweet John Laurens could simply be having a bad day.

He had just started his walk back to their bedroom when he heard a solid thump. He looked up to find John crumpled in the doorway, struggling to breathe. Alex ran and dropped to the floor, the tea be damned at this point, and pulled his lover into his chest. Harsh, ragged breaths are coming out of John at an alarming rate, and it takes everything Alex has inside of him not to panic.

“Hey. Hey sweetheart, it’s okay,” he says, “I’m right here, you’re okay. You’re okay, just breathe sweet boy.”

“I can’t, Alex. I c-can’t, Alex make it s-stop.”

“What, John? Stop what?” He no more asks the question than does he realize that John has passed out, still curled against Alex’s chest.

_Panic attack. He was having a panic attack._ He thinks to himself. Without giving it a second thought, Alex pulled out his phone and called Hercules Mulligan, one of John’s coworkers and lifetime friends. Surely he would know what to do.

“This is Mulligan.”

“Hey, Herc it’s Alex.”

“Hey, Alex what’s up? How’s Laurens, our boss said he called in sick today.”

_Well that explains a lot._ “That’s why I’m calling actually. I just got home and found him having a panic attack, and I’m not really sure what to do.”

“Oh, shit. Okay, Alex where is he right now?” 

“Passed out in my lap. I called you as soon as he blacked out, figured that you would know what to do.”

“Good, that was good thinking Alex. Is it possible that he could’ve injured himself at all?” Hercules asked. Over the next few minutes, Hercules was able to talk Alex through what to do once John came to. As well as insisting that Alex call him back if nothing had changed in the next ten minutes.

He no more hung up the phone than was John beginning to stir against his chest. Alex watched his boyfriend’s eyelids flutter for a moment before they opened fully, panic filling them seconds later.

“John, it’s okay, it’s me, Alex. You’re at the apartment, it’s Tuesday late into the afternoon and you’re okay. Alright? You’re okay, sweetheart.” He tells him. John makes a guttural sound in the back of his throat and Alex knows what that means. As quickly and gently as he can, he gets John into bathroom and holds back his hair as he loses the contents of his stomach.    

A few minutes later, once the vomiting has subsided, Alex pulls John back against his chest. He rests his chin on the curly haired man’s shoulder.  “We don’t have to talk about it right now. But I don’t want you to forget that I’m going to be here for you regardless of what happens, okay? Nothing is going to change that.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that if I were you.” John mumbles.

Alex decides not to question it just yet. The both of them go to bed early that night, worn out from all the events of the day. Over the next couple of days, he keeps a watchful eye over John. Making sure not to suffocate him with his presence, but still keeping tabs on him as much as he can.   

About a week later, Alex is on his way home from work when he gets a text from his good friend Eliza.

Eliza: _Hey, just wanted to let you know that John seemed a little off at work today. I could be wrong, but he just wasn’t really acting like himself. Figured that I should let you know._

Alex: _Not acting like himself? How so?_

Eliza: _Well, for starters, he got mad and yelled at Lafayette. I didn’t think that John knew how to yell._

_Oh shit_ he thinks to himself. Luckily his train is almost at its stop which means he can get home to John and make sure everything is okay. The train stops a few minutes later, and Alex practically runs to his apartment building.

He gets home and it’s quiet again, Alex can’t help but to get nervous. He’s just about to run into their bedroom when he notices that the doors going out to the balcony are open. He walks out and finds John sitting on the ground with his legs hanging off the edge, a cigarette in his right hand.

“John, are you smoking?”

“Nah…just thinking about it.” He says without looking at Alex.  

Alex then notices that the cigarette is unlit, and breathes a small sigh of relief. He sits down next to John, giving him a few inches of space.

“I talked to Eliza today. She said that you and Lafayette had a bit of a falling out or something.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He mutters.

“I think it does, John. I’ve never seen you get mad at anybody, let alone yell at someone. This isn’t like you. You’ve been acting weird lately and it terrifies me. I know that you said that you didn’t want to talk about it, but-.”

“I want to die, Ham.”

The words make his heart skip a beat. “What?”

John keeps his eyes downcast as he continues. “I’m tired… all the time. I get up and the first thing I think about is being able to go back to bed. When I go to bed, I find myself wishing that I won’t wake up in the morning. I feel shitty all the time and I don’t even know why. It’s an endless cycle, Ham, and I c-can’t fix it. I can’t turn it off, god I wish I could turn this off. I just-.”

John chokes on his words then throws the unlit cigarette over the edge of the balcony. He looks up at Alex, both of their eyes are wet. He continues.

“Last week, when I had that panic attack or whatever, it was mostly because the feeling had hit me all at once and it just…hurt. I tried to get up and walk it off, but it just felt like my legs weren’t even attached to my body anymore.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?” he asks, weaving their hands together.

“Longer than I’d like to admit.” John tells him. “I got really depressed in High School. I tried telling my dad about it a couple of times, but he’d always get mad and just tell me that I was being ridiculous. So I stopped trying to tell him.”

“Wait, you’re telling me that you tried telling Henry about this stuff and he ignored it?”

He nodded. “After a while, things got easier, so I figured that it had gone away. I had only had bad days every once in a while; I figured that I had nothing to worry about. Then, a few months ago, I got one and it just never seemed to end. The last couple of days have just been especially bad and I don’t even know why. I really wish I could make it stop.”  

“Make what stop?”

Johns shrugs. “All of it, I guess.”

“I’m going to ask you a question that you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But have you ever thought about killing yourself?” Alex is terrified to ask, and even more terrified to hear the answer.

He saw what this did to his older cousin, watched as his cousin’s mental illnesses ate at him until he killed himself one day. It hurt Alex for months afterwards, angry that he hadn’t done a better job at making him happy. He can’t imagine what he would do he had to bury John one day in the near future.

“Sort of.” John says, Alex stiffens next to him. “Lately I keep having these violent, intrusive thoughts and I get terrified after every time I have one. I’ll be at work talking to Eliza and randomly think to myself: _I hope she dies soon_. Then I always get the feeling of wanting to throw myself off a bridge afterwards.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“I didn’t want to worry you, I thought it was going to get better or just stop on its own. It’s not your fault, I should have told you sooner.”

“I’m so sorry, John. I wish I knew how to help.”

“Just stay here with me, that’s enough for now.”

So Alex does, the two of them sit on the balcony until it’s so dark that they can’t hardly see each other. Then they go inside, and go straight to their shared room, neither one of them having much of an appetite. The two men crawl into bed and curl around each other, John on his back with Alex’s head in the center of his chest.  

“Maybe you should talk to Jefferson.”

“My boss? Why would I do that?”

“Because,” Alex says, propping himself up on one arm. “He’s a licensed doctor, John. He could help you figure out everything that’s been going on with you.”

“Did you happen to forget that I am also a doctor? Because that fact hasn’t changed since this conversation started.”

“I know, I know. I just think that it might good to look at it from someone else’s point of view. You have a tendency to ignore all your problems until you’ve dug yourself into a hole and need someone to come pull you out. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little bit of help, John.”

“Ham-.”

“Just- just promise me that you’ll think about it. Okay?”

John sighs, and then nods. “Okay. I’ll think about it, but I can’t promise anything.”

“I get that; I just want you to take care of yourself. I love you, John Laurens. I just want you to feel good.”

John runs a hand through his lover’s hair. “I love you too, Alex.” He pulls Alex back down to his chest, and kisses his forehead. “Thank you for listening to me today, it means a lot to me. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”

“I can say the same for you, my dear Laurens.” Alex reaches up, kisses John’s cheek, then settles back against his chest. He falls asleep that night with hopes that John will start to feel better again soon.  

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Hamilton fic, so please please please let me know how I did. I haven't posted anything in a while so I'm interested to see what y'all think of this. Thanks for reading. I hope you're having a great day! 
> 
> P.S. I'm also accepting prompts at this time. (no porn or mpreg please)


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